A Parody of Sleepy Hollow
by Dont.Open.That.Door
Summary: A parody of Sleepy Hollow. Read and review!
1. Chapter 1

This is my first ever fanfic. so please be nice to it! Read and review!

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Scene 1

The Death of the Old Geezer

**(Peter Van Garrett sits in his carriage, fast asleep. He wakes when he hears a horse ride past his carriage. Looking around, he sees a huge black horse gallop past his window.)**

PVG: What the bloody hell was that?

**(He hears a swish and a thunk. He pokes his head out of the carriage and sees a headless driver.)**

PVG: Oh crap.

**(He pushes himself out of the carriage and falls to the ground. Then he begins to run.)**

PVG: I have a feeling that I'm running for no apparent reason.

**(He stops in front of a scarecrow.)**

PVG: AAAHHHH!

**(Then realises it's just a scarecrow.)**

PVG: Oh. Right. Now where am I?

**(He scratches his head. Then he hears a horse behind him. He turns round.)**

PVG: **(smiling worriedly**) Good horsey?

**(His head gets chopped off. Very fake-looking blood gets splattered everywhere.)**


	2. Chapter 2 I've found something

Scene 2

I've found Orlando Bloom in the river...

**(Night. Two constables are running to the sound of a bell. Ichabod Crane is ringing the bell and poking at something in the lake with a stick.)**

1st Constable: Is that Ichabod Crane? **(snickers)** Funny name.

Ichabod Crane: Yeah, it's me.

2nd Constable: Well stop ringing that bloody bell then. We can hear you.

Ichabod Crane: Oh. Right. OK then. **(stops ringing bell)**

1st Constable: What did you want, anyway?

Ichabod Crane: I've found a body in the river. I think. **(Pokes a bit more)**. Yep. It was definitely once a man.

2nd Constable: What does it look like?

Ichabod Crane: A bit like Orlando Bloom. Maybe someone's finally pushed that annoying git in.

**(Switch to morgue. A man wheels the body in. Ichabod Crane runs after it. The morgue owner looks at the body.)**

Morgue Owner: **(looking up from book)** Hey, it's Orlando Bloom. Dead.

Ichabod Crane: Yeah, that's why it's here.

Man: Can I burn it?

Morgue Owner: **(reading book) **Sure, why not.

**(Man wheels body away happily.)**

Ichabod Crane: Wait, I need to see what killed him.

Morgue Owner: You found him in the river, right?

Ichabod Crane: Yep.

Morgue Owner: Then he drowned.

Ichabod Crane: **(scratches head)** Figures.

**(Two men come in, dragging a criminal behind them)**

Morgue Owner: Not another one.

1st Man: He was caught nicking knickers.

2nd Man: Shocking, huh?

Morgue Owner: No, not really. Just a common washing-line trick.

Criminal: They were still on the lady. **(laughs. Men laugh too but shut up after a look from the morgue owner).**

Morgue Owner: Chuck him in.

**(They kick open a trapdoor and throw him in the river)**

Ichabod Crane: Hah!

Morgue Owner: **(looking up)** What? Are you still here?

Ichabod Crane: I know how that man died.

Morgue Owner: **(not too sure what Ichabod's talking about)** How?

Ichabod Crane: He drowned.

**(Morgue Owner looks confused as Ichabod Crane saunters off)**


	3. Chapter 3 Igglybigglybogs, not sticks!

Scene 3

**(Courtroom. Ichabod Crane is arguing with the judge.)**

Ichabod Crane: It's nearly the 18th century and still you're whacking people with sticks. You should be using machines that haven't even been invented yet!

Judge: Shut up.

Ichabod Crane: I shut down! No...I open up! No...oh what the hell. You're a freaking lunatic, that's what you are. I'm a sensible bloke. Why am I the only one who sees that we have to use igglybigglybogs to find out how people died?

Judge: Igglybigglybogs?

Ichabod Crane: An advanced scientific instrument that I invented myself. I'm very clever, you see.

Judge: Yeah. Whatever. Anyway, you've said this stuff at least ten times before and we're kinda getting pissed with you now, so you've got two choices.

Ichabod Crane: What?

Judge: Shut up and don't interrupt. Either we put you in a cell and whack you with a stick for the rest of your life-

Ichabod Crane: See, this is what I mean. You should be using advanced technology!

Judge: I said shut up. Or...you could go to Sleepy Hollow!

**(Creepy music with MUAHAHAHAHAHA plays)**

Ichabod Crane: Where?

Judge: Sleepy Hollow!

**(Creepy music with MUAHAHAHAHAHA plays)**

Judge: Stop that. It was only effective the first time.

Ichabod Crane: Yeah...I think I'll go with the second option.

Judge: Good. There have been three murders there. Three people, murdered. Someone has killed three people.

Ichabod Crane: Yes...I figured that out from the three murders bit.

Judge: Shut up smartarse! Anyway, you have to go there and find out who the murderer is so you can bring him back here and we can whack him with sticks for the rest of our lives.

Ichabod Crane: I don't know why I bother...

Judge: Just remember, Ichabod Crane...It is you who is now put to the test...

Ichabod Crane: Where did you get that from? Some crap sci-fi movie or something?


	4. Chapter 4

SCENE 4

**(Ichabod Crane enters Sleepy Hollow. He walks around a bit and sees a man going into a dangerously balanced treehouse with a gun. He gets scared so he walks on until he reaches a big house. He sees people kissing.)**

Ichabod Crane: Eww. Get a room.

**(He knocks and the doors open so he walks inside. There are lots of random drunk people and a lot of people playing a game. A lady is in the middle of the circle, blindfolded, threatening to kiss people. Ichabod Crane runs but she catches him.)**

Lady: Is it...Theodore?

Ichabod Crane: No it is bloody well not. Let go of me.

Lady: Ooh. Touchy. Have a kiss anyway.

**(Ichabod Crane struggles but she gives him a big kiss on the lips. A young man looks on in disgust. The lady takes off her blindfold and looks at him.)**

Lady: **(examining him)** Not bad. What are you looking for, stranger?

Ichabod Crane: **(eying her up) **Erm...this old geezer called Baltus, I think.

Lady: Oh, he's my dad. I'm Katrina Van Tassel.

Young Man: And who are you?

Ichabod Crane: None of your business, pretty boy.

**(The Young Man grabs him)**

Young Man: You need to learn some manners!

Ichabod: You need some Tic-Tacs.

(Baltus Van Tassel and his wife enter)

Baltus: Come, come. Don't yell. I've still got a hangover from yesterday.

**(Notices Ichabod)**

Baltus: Are you selling something?

Ichabod: No. I'm a constable from New York.

Baltus's wife: **(flirtily)** Hi there!

Ichabod: Err...hi?

Baltus: Go get settled in.

**(He walks away)**


	5. Chapter 5 The Mercenary from Germany

SCENE 5

The Headless Horseman!

**(Later in the evening. A sitting room. Baltus, the Reverend, Notary, Magistrate and Doctor and their wives are there. Ichabod enters.)**

Ichabod: Hello.

Baltus: Oh, it's you again. Come in. **(To women)** Piss off, the lot of you.

**(Women exit)**

Ichabod: So.

Baltus: So.

Ichabod: So.

Baltus: You can stop saying so now, you know.

Ichabod: You're a poet and you didn't know it. (laughs to himself) Anyway. Three murders.

Magistrate: Yes, we worked that out ourselves.

Ichabod: Shut it, fatty. ANYWAY, three murders. The old geezer Van Garrett. Then his son. Both of them found...decapitatitated.

Reverend: Is that a word?

Ichabod: SHHHH. A week later, the Widow Winshlip. Also found...decapitatitated.

Notary: I'm pretty sure it's not, you know.

Ichabod: Hey, I'm trying to tell a story here!

Notary: Sorry.

Ichabod: Their heads were found severed from their bodies...

Reverend: Their heads were not found severed.

Ichabod: So why the bloody hell am I here then?

Reverend: Their heads were not found at all.

**(Ichabod makes a face)**

Ichabod: Well, I have to ask this. Is anyone suspected?

Baltus: What the hell do you mean?

Ichabod: Well, sir, usually when there's a murder, someone has committed it. Is anyone suspected of doing this?

Doctor: The murderer is not a man of flesh and blood.

Ichabod: Whah...?

Baltus: Have you ever heard of the Headless Horseman?

Ichabod: Nope.

Baltus: Well then, shut up and listen!

Ichabod: If you're going to be like that...

Baltus: About twenty years ago, war raged in Sleepy Hollow. Mercenaries came from...where again?

Notary: Dunno. Germany?

Baltus: Germany it is. Anyway, one of them didn't come to sort out the war. He came to take part in it.

Ichabod: As you do in a war...

Baltus: Shuddup. Wherever there was battle, you'd find him there, chopping off people's heads. Now, the soldiers didn't lie this. A year later, this butcher finally met his end in the Western Woods. His horse fell and broke its leg. With soldiers chasing after him, the Horseman ran. Yet the soldiers caught up with him, and chopped off his head.

Ichabod: Hypocrites.

Baltus: Yet now, his ghost rises again.

Ichabod: Ugh. Gross. Anyway, somehow I think your ghost story is a little...childish.

Baltus: Whatever. Don't say we told you so.

Reverend: I hear you bring scientific ideas and instruments with you?

Ichabod: That's right.

Reverend: Well, I think you should just trust in God. Read this.

(He hands Ichabod a bible and Ichabod looks disgusted.)

Ichabod: No thanks.

Reverend: It's not an option. Read it.

Ichabod: Ooh. Touchy.


	6. Chapter 6 The treehouse falls

SCENE 6

**(The dangerously balanced tree house is shown with the man, Jonathan Nesborth, inside. He moves and the whole thing collapses.)**

Jonathan: Crap.

**(He attempts to pull it back up into the tree to no avail. Then, he sees the Headless Horseman coming out from the woods.)**

Jonathan: Hi there!

**(The Headless Horseman rides up to him and chops off his head.)**

**(Next morning. Ichabod is talking to the stable owner.)**

Stable Owner: This horse is called Gunpowder.

Ichabod: **(snickering)** Nice name.

Stable Owner: You can ride him.

Ichabod: Why can't I have a big black horse?

Stable Owner: Because I said so.

Random Man: Murder! The Headless Horseman has struck again!

**(The Stable Owner jumps onto his horse and rides away. Ichabod attempts to jump up three times, fails miserably and runs instead.)**

Ichabod: Stupid bloody horse.

**(The dangerously balanced treehouse is on the ground, surrounding the headless body of Jonathan Nesborth.)**

Ichabod: AIIEEEE! HE'S DEAD!

Baltus: You don't say. So, constable, let's see what you can do.

Ichabod: Oh. Right. Let me see...

**(He fiddles around with some chemicals, finding out what he can. Then, he straps a pair of ski goggles on and looks closely at the neck. A beetle crawls out.)**

Ichabod: I think I'm gonna be sick.

Doctor: Please don't be. I faint at the sight of blood. (At a look from everyone) And...vomit.

Baltus: What did you find out?

Ichabod: Erm...someone chopped his head off?

Magistrate: I think we can see that for ourselves.

Ichabod: Well...the sword looked very hot. The wound hasn't bled at all.

**(Everyone looks thoughtful)**

Magistrate: I get it! It's...the Devil's Fire!

**(Creepy Music plays. MUAHAHAHAHA sounds.)**

Ichabod: Seriously. You have to stop that. It sucks.


	7. Chapter 7 A funeral and a proposal

SCENE 7

The funeral of Jonathan Nesborth

Reverend: Blah blah blah. Rest in peace, Jonathan Nesborth.

Baltus: Amen.

Reverend: That was my bit.

Baltus: Sorry.

**(Ichabod looks at Katrina. Brom sees and pulls Katrina close to him).**

Katrina: Get the hell off me.

Brom: Sorry.

**(Ichabod laughs)**

Magistrate: Ichabod Crane, I have to talk to you.

**(Magistrate and Ichabod go away from the departing crowd. The Magistrate sees the Reverend looking and whispers in Ichabod's ear.)**

Magistrate: Jonathan Nesborth was not the fourth victim, but the fifth.

Ichabod: Ugh. Why does everyone in this place need TicTacs?

**(The Magistrate shrugs and leaves.)**

Ichabod: Wait a minute... **(he counts on his fingers.)** But only four people have died!

Young Nesborth: Mr. Constable, sir?

Ichabod: So...five to four graves...

Young Nesborth: Mr Crane?

Ichabod: ...What does it mean?...

Young Nesborth: Oi! Dumbarse!

Ichabod: Yes? What do you want?

Young Nesborth: I want to help you. I don't have anyone.

Ichabod: Oh, I'm sorry. I also don't care.

Young Nesborth: Please, I am your man!

Ichabod: Ugh. You're not a man yet, you're a boy. But what the hell. Can you dig?

Young Nesborth: Yes...

Ichabod Crane: Good. We have to dig up some graves.


	8. Chapter 8 Grave diggers

SCENE 8

**(Four men dump the fourth coffin beside Ichabod Crane. The stable owner prises the lid off it and Ichabod Crane looks tentatively inside. It is the body of a headless woman.)**

Ichabod: Ew, she stinks.

Y. Nesborth: Well, she would, sir. She's been dead for three weeks now.

Ichabod: Shut up, titch.

**(Young Nesborth starts crying. Ichabod looks uneasy.)**

Ichabod: I didn't mean it!

Y. Nesborth: WAAAAHHH!

**(After several minutes, Ichabod get tired of the crying and ties him up with a piece of rope which was conveniently lying around.)**

Ichabod: Now, back to examining. Hm...they're all headless...

Stable Owner: Yes, that's why they're in the coffins.

Ichabod: I worked that out myself, thank you. Ooh, look at her stomach.

Stable Owner: Why?

Ichabod: No reason. She's fat, isn't she?

Stable Owner: Look. She's been stabbed in the stomach.

Ichabod: So? She's dead, she wouldn't have felt anything.

Stable Owner: You are dumb, aren't you?

Ichabod: NO!

**(He thinks a moment)**

Ichabod: Oh, I get it! Someone stabbed her in the stomach before she died!

Stable Owner: Precisely. But why?

Young Nesborth: MMMFFF!

Stable Owner: I think you'd better untie him. He's turning blue.

Ichabod: Good. I think I'll examine the body and find out why she was stabbed in the stomach.

Young Nesborth: MMMFFF! PRFFNT!

Stable Owner: Ooh, look. He's going purple.

Ichabod: Interesting.

**(He walks off. The stable owner unties Nesborth.)**

Ichabod: Bring the body to the doctor!

**(The doctor's room. The doctor is trying to sleep. He is rudely interrupted by Ichabod, who walks in and loudly starts clanging around before the dead body is dragged in. The doctor wakes up.)**

Doctor: AHHH! **(recognises Ichabod.)** Oh, it's you. What the hell are you doing in here?

Ichabod: I need the operating table.

Doctor: Where did you get that body? From a grave?

Ichabod: Yep. Don't tell the Reverend. Now piss off.

Doctor: It's my own room!

Ichabod: Don't care. Piss off!

**(The doctor takes the hint and leaves.)**

**(Five minutes later, Ichabod Crane comes out of the room covered in blood. The Reverend, Notary, Magistrate, Doctor and Baltus are all standing there.)**

Reverend: Bloody hell! What did you do to her?

Ichabod: I told you not to tell him! **(to others)** We are dealing with a madman.

Baltus: We worked that out from the headless corpses.

Ichabod: Shuddup. The Widow Winshlip was pregnant.

Magistrate: Yeah, what else is new?

Ichabod: Isn't it strange that a widow should suddenly become pregnant?

Notary: Not in this town, mate! Not with this Rever...

**(He shuts up at a look from the Reverend)**


	9. Chapter 9Pumpkins other random stuff

SCENE 9

**(Ichabod is on his horse, riding down. He hears voices calling his name.)**

Random voices: Ichabod! Ichabod!

Ichabod: Man, the psychiatrist told me they were going to go away...

(He carries on riding. Then, he sees another horse come up behind him, ridden by a headless man holding a flaming pumpkin.)

Ichabod: You're a bit early for Halloween. (Then realises the man has no head.) AAHHHH!!

**(He begins to ride away. After several minutes of Ichabod and the Headless Horseman chasing, Ichabod gets a face full of hot pumpkin. The Headless Horseman rides away, only to be unmasked as Brom. Brom and his friends laugh.)**

Ichabod: Bastard.

**(He faints. Memories of his mother flash around his head, showing her doing a weird twirly thing and Ichabod as a fat seven year old, laughing his head off as she falls over. Then, his mother teaching him how to draw signs of witchcraft in the dust. Then, a little optics game thing with a red cardinal- a bird- and a cage. Ichabod wakes up suddenly, in his bed.)**

Ichabod: Ugh. Pumpkins.

**(He sees a light and gets up, following it. He walks in on Katrina reading. She stuffs the book under the sofa.)**

Ichabod: Erm...sorry. Didn't mean to disturb you.

Katrina: You didn't.

Ichabod: Are you reading dirty books?

Katrina: Maybe...

Ichabod: I knew it! Don't worry, I've read them all too.

Katrina: Right...anyway, my father thought that my mother died because she read them.

Ichabod: That's stupid.

Katrina: Shuddup. She died two years ago. Her nurse is now Lady Van Tassel.

Ichabod: Wow. That nurse sure knew where she wanted to end up.

Katrina: My father was once a poor farmer...

Ichabod: Really? Aww...that's too bad.

Katrina: Don't worry, he got rich soon enough. Then he built this house and became an alcoholic. I owe my happiness to him.

Ichabod: Why? Because he built the house or because he started getting pissed?

Katrina: Hey, do you want to see my old house?

Ichabod: **(taking this option as a kind of date)** Sure, why not?

**(They arrive at a place where there is a fireplace and a few doorframes standing. They dismount and walk towards the wreck.)**

Ichabod: What a load of junk.

Katrina: Tell me about it.

**(She begins to draw witchy symbols on the ground in front of the fireplace.)**

Ichabod: Hey, you're a witch.

Katrina: Yep. How did you guess?

Ichabod: My mum was one too.

Katrina: Cool. Can you do magic?

Ichabod: No.

**(Katrina then notices that he has small imprints on each of his palms. She takes his hands and looks at them.)**

Katrina: These are pretty cool. What are they?

Ichabod: Erm...I've had them for ages. No idea what they're supposed to be.

**(Awkward silence)**

Ichabod: You can let go of my hands now.


	10. Chapter 10 Murder of the Magistrate

Scene 10

**(Ichabod Crane has returned from the cottage. Through a window, he sees the Notary, the Doctor, the Reverend and the Magistrate arguing. The Magistrate packs his bags and walks out the door. Ichabod follows him, and intercepts him on the way to wherever he's going.)**

Ichabod: Hey, fatty. Where you going?

Magistrate: Shut up, Dumbarse. Away from here.

Ichabod: No need to get touchy...why did you tell me that the Widow was pregnant?

Magistrate: I didn't. I just told you that there were five victims, not four.

**(Lightning flashes everywhere, making the Magistrate jump.)**

Magistrate: The Headless Horseman is coming. I have to go!

Ichabod: For God's sake, there is no such thing as a bloody man without a head riding around chopping other people's heads off!

**(The Headless Horseman canters out from the forest. Ichabod, being the strong and brave man that he is, falls over. The Magistrate sees and runs, but not fast enough. The Headless Horseman chops off his head, which rolls between Ichabod's legs.)**

Ichabod: Ew. Gross. If you wanted to do that, you could have just asked.

**(He then realises that the Horseman is probably going to come back to claim the head- and also realises that it will probably mean painful results for him. As expected, the Horseman does so- narrowly missing the operation to make Ichabod a woman- and Ichabod faints. Again. After screaming his head off. Once again, we are treated to boring and inescapably random memories from Ichabod's childhood, this time incorporating his father, who seemed to like kicking his mother about and yelling about witchcraft.)**

**(Baltus' house. Baltus knocks on the door of Ichabod's room, hoping to get him to come out. He looks at Katrina and Nesborth.)**

Baltus: Has he not come out at all?

**(Katrina and Nesborth shake their heads. Baltus walks in. Ichabod Crane is shaking in bed.)**

Ichabod: It was the Horseman...the Headless Horseman...and he was headless!

Baltus: Duh. Told you so.

Ichabod: No, you don't understand- it was a Headless Horseman!

Baltus: Yes, I do.

Ichabod: No, you don't, because you weren't there! It was headless, and it mur-murd...

**(Ichabod faints.)**

Baltus: Wimp.

Nesborth: Guess it's time for him to go back to the city, then.


	11. Chapter 11 Into the Western Woods

SCENE 11

**(Ichabod Crane paces round his room, thinking. Then, he decides on something and bursts into the sitting room where the men, Nesborth and Katrina are talking.)**

Baltus: You! I thought you'd gone back to the city.

Ichabod: If I'd gone back to the city, then that room would be empty, wouldn't it?

**(Baltus thinks deeply.)**

Ichabod: Anyway, I'm not scared of the headless guy anymore. I'm, as a matter of fact, going to find his grave.

Reverend: Into the Western Woods?

Ichabod: Yep. Into the woods where everyone is scared to go because they're haunted, full of headless guys ready to kill you and not to mention lots of other ghostly stuff. Who's coming with me?

**(Silence)**

Nesborth: I'll go!

Ichabod: Oh, great.

**(The two males ride into the Western Woods, Nesborth's mouth tied up with duct tape. He looks pissed off. They stop in a clearing where there is a well. Singing is coming from the well.)**

Ichabod: **(rips duct tape off Nesborth's mouth) **There. Now stay quiet. (hears singing) Blimey! What's making that racket?

Nesborth: It's someone singing, sir.

Ichabod: Doubt it. Sounds more like a cat with a hot poker up it's ar...(catches sight of Nesborth looking shocked.) ...up it's tail.

Nesborth: You were going to say-

Ichabod: Shut up. I've got more duct tape in my bag. Anyway, stay here, I'm going to investigate.

**(He climbs down the well and looks around.)**

Ichabod: Helloooo?

Crone: Hello, Ichabod Crane.

Ichabod: AIIEEEEEEEE! You know my name!

Crone: No, you just had it on that little badge of yours.

**(Ichabod looks down at his little badge, then removes it.)**

Crone: So, Ichabod Crane. What do you want?

Ichabod: Well, firstly I'd like to tell you not to sing again. It sounds bloody awful.

Crone: Thank you for that. You're a real gentleman, you are.

Ichabod: Ooh, thank you. Secondly, I'd like to know about the Headless Horseman.

**(The Crone thinks for a minute, then chains herself to the wall.)**

Crone: I'm going to channel his spirit for a minute.

Ichabod: Ooh. Creepy.

**(The Crone thinks for a minute. Then she screams, and channels the spirit of the Headless Horseman.)**

Crone/HH: Ichabod Crane...

Ichabod: Now he knows my name too?

Crone/HH: I can still see your badge.

Ichabod: Dammit, I am so binning that thing!

Crone/HH: Find my skull, Ichabod Crane, find my skull...

Ichabod: What?

**(The Crone launches herself at him, knocking him to the floor and screams into his face.)**

Crone/HH: FIND MY SKULL!

Ichabod: Alright, alright! I'll find it!

**(The Crone collapses and Ichabod runs, muttering to himself.)**

Ichabod: Why does everyone in this damn village need some bloody TicTacs!

Nesborth: How did it go?

Ichabod: Apparently, we've got to find the Headless Horseman's skull.

Nesborth: Ooh, look. Someone's following us.

**(Ichabod turns to see a white horse disappear behind some trees.)**

Ichabod: Wait here.

**(He runs to where the white horse is. While it's rider is facing the other way, he searches for a gun, finds only a banana and pulls that out instead.)**

Ichabod: Don't move! I have a...banana aimed!

**(The rider turns round and reveals herself to be Katrina.)**

Ichabod: Katrina? Why are you following me?

Katrina: Because my dad was too much of a wimp to go with you, so I decided to come instead.

Ichabod: Erm**...(thinking of something to say)** you're hot.

Katrina: So are you.

**(They lean in to kiss each other but are interrupted by Nesborth.)**

Nesborth: Aww, cute. Anyway, you guys, I think you'd better see this.

**(An unimpressed looking Ichabod and Katrina are dragged along to see a tall, dead looking tree.)**

Ichabod: Wow. It's a dead tree.

Nesborth: Yeah. I know. Great, isn't it?

**(Ichabod throws a banana at Nesborth, then looks confused.)**

Ichabod: Where the bloody hell do these bananas keep coming from?

**(He notices something odd about the tree. He walks over to it and puts his hand on a wet-looking part. His hand gets covered in blood.)**

Ichabod: AIIEEEE! I'm bleeding, I'm bleeding!

Katrina: Right...you're not bleeding, the tree is!

Ichabod: Oh. Right. Let me investigate this. Get me an axe.

Nesborth: I'm not sure that's the best idea...

Ichabod: **(gets an axe and starts chopping away)** Shut up.

**(Ichabod gets covered in blood from the tree as he chops away. Nesborth looks disgusted. Katrina looks turned on. He pulls away part of the bark and all the chopped-off heads are revealed for everyone to see. Nesborth looks horrified and so do Ichabod and Katrina. Then Ichabod notices a sword driven into the ground above part of the tree.)**

Ichabod: Ooh, look at this. A sword. And...the soil beneath it is loose! I think we've found the Headless Horseman's grave...Get me a spade!

Nesborth: (hands him a spade) Bloody hell, who do you think you are, the King?

Ichabod: Katrina, tie him up with duct tape, would you?

**(As Ichabod digs up the grave, Katrina ties Nesborth up with duct tape. He sits there, sulking, as Ichabod uncovers a pile of bones but no head. Meanwhile, the heads begin to move- the Headless Horseman is coming through!)**

Ichabod: Ah-hah! No skull. That is why the Horseman awakes. Because someone has taken his head, so he goes around chopping other peoples' off instead.

Katrina: Ichabod? Something weird's happening...

Ichabod: Shh. But who would have known where to dig? Who would know how to control the horseman?

Katrina: For God's sake Ichabod!

Ichabod: What?

**(He turns around just in time to see the Headless Horseman erupting from the tree. The Horseman wheels around to them, seems to examine them, and then canters off. Ichabod Crane jumps rather less elegantly onto his horse, falls off, and then runs after the horseman instead.)**

Ichabod: Bloody damn horse.

Katrina: What the hell am I supposed to do?

Ichabod: **(calling back) **Whatever you bloody want to!


	12. Chapter 12 The midwife dies

Scene 12

**(The Midwife's house. She is sitting with her husband, the Stable Owner, while their little boy Thomas plays around on the floor. Suddenly, the Headless Horseman bursts in. The midwife and Thomas run into Thomas's bedroom and lock the door and the stable owner fights the Horseman. Soon enough, the stable owner's head is chopped off. The midwife hides Thomas under the floorboards.)**

Midwife: Stay there and don't make a sound or I'll chop your head off!

**(The Headless Horseman bursts into Thomas's bedroom. Thomas hears a scream, a swish and a thunk, and looks up to see his mother's dead eyes peering through the floorboards. The Horseman turns to leave, then hears Thomas moving a little, and returns, ripping up the floorboards until Thomas is uncovered.)**

Thomas: **(smiling innocently) **Hello, sir. Would you like to buy something?

**(His innocent act doesn't fool the horseman and soon he has three heads in his bag. But the midwife's scream was heard by Brom who, being a pretty boy, runs to her rescue. He begins to fight the Headless Horseman when Ichabod, very out of breath, runs up.)**

Ichabod: **(wheezing)** ...don't...attack...WHEEEEE...WHEEEEE

Brom: Whatever, loser.

**(The horseman knocks Brom's weapon out of his hand and leaves. Brom, however, throws a knife at him- which the horseman catches and throws back at him. It lands in Brom's leg. Brom starts to cry and runs after the horseman.)**

Brom: WAAAHHH! YOU HURT ME!

Ichabod: For God's sake you loser, he won't attack you if you don't attack him!

Brom: WAAAAHHH! SHUT UP! DON'T LIKE YOU!

**(Ichabod leans back to watch as Brom gets beaten once again by the horseman. However, as Brom goes after him again, he decides that it's time to do something.)**

Ichabod: Brom, listen to me. You're a crap little pretty boy with a sword made out of what looks like plastic. YOU CAN'T WIN THIS. RUN.

**(Brom finally listens to Ichabod and runs. However, the Headless Horseman has now decided that another head or two wouldn't be a bad thing, and decides to go after them after all. He turns, stabs Ichabod through the chest and splits Brom in half.)**

Ichabod: Oh crap.

**(He faints.)**


	13. Chapter 13 Ichabod tells all

SCENE 13

In which Ichabod tells Katrina his feelings.

**(The Doctor and Baltus are looking at Ichabod, who has been moved to his bed. They are examining the wound.)**

Doctor: Unlucky, really. He's going to live.

Baltus: Bloody hell. I was almost going to sing praises to that Horseman.

Ichabod: **(waking up)** AIEEEEE!

Baltus: Crap! Can't you stop him doing that?

Doctor: Can you stop your wife from flirting with half of the town?

Baltus: Fair point.

Ichabod: I...found...something out!

Doctor: Constable, go back to sleep. I'm having a nice conversation here.

Ichabod: No...you must...listen!

Baltus: Where's Katrina with that sleep potion of hers?

Ichabod: Katrina...Katrina...

Baltus: Great. Now he's going on about my daughter.

Ichabod: Listen to me. The...horseman only...killed Brom...because...Brom attacked him. I...have found...that the ...horseman does...not attack at random. ...His victims...are chosen! By someone who...controls him, someone...who took his...skull!

**(He collapses back after this long speech.)**

Doctor: Ah, here's Katrina.

Katrina: Here's the potion you wanted.

Doctor: Constable, drink this.

**(Ichabod drinks it and falls asleep.)**

Baltus: Thank God for that. Now, where were we?

**(Even more random and annoying images of Ichabod's mother appear. This time, she's being dragged down a surprisingly-modern-for-that-time church by Ichabod's father and into a room beyond. A few minutes later, Ichabod's father exits the room and leaves. Ichabod goes in and, at the end of the room, sees his mother's eyes staring at him through the Iron Maiden. He falls back out of shock and his hands land on a chair of nails. Then, for no apparent reason, his mother falls out of the Iron Maiden, covered in blood and holes. (She is dead, by the way.))**

**(Ichabod wakes up and conveniently flies into Katrina's arms.)**

Katrina: Whoa. That was pretty unrealistic.

Ichabod: OK, OK, I was planning it.

Katrina: What were you dreaming about?

Ichabod: My mother. She was murdered by my father when I was seven.

Katrina: Oh. Too bad. Oh look, you're bleeding.

**(Ichabod stares at the marks on his hands caused by the chair of nails. They are, again for no apparent reason, bleeding.)**

Ichabod: Oh, I remembered how I did this.

Katrina: How?

Ichabod: I saw my mother in the Iron Maiden and I fell back onto a chair of nails.

Katrina: Ouch. It was just your hands, right?

Ichabod: **(looking offended) **Yes!

Katrina: Just checking, just checking. You gotta know these things.

Ichabod: My father was a priest. I don't believe in God.

Katrina: That was random.

Ichabod: Changing subject dear, changing subject.

Katrina: Oh. Right.

Ichabod: Oh, I forgot. Sorry about Brom.

Katrina: Why?

Ichabod: Weren't you like, going to marry him?

Katrina: No! He's a pretty boy! He reminds me too much of Orlando Bloom.

Ichabod: Good, that makes too of us. I found Orlando Bloom dead in a river.

Katrina: Thank God for that. Anyway, I'm not evil for not being sad about Brom, am I?

Ichabod: No, but you can seem a bit like a witch.

Katrina: Why would you say that?

Ichabod: Because you have bewitched me...

Katrina: God, I could think of a few more romantic chat-up lines...

Ichabod: OK, because you're super-hot!

Katrina: That's better.

**(They hug romantically.)**

Ichabod: I swear we're like, supposed to kiss now or something.

Katrina: Don't push your luck, mate.


	14. Chapter 14 The Notary hides away

SCENE 14

**(Ichabod wakes to find that Katrina has gone and he is being watched by Lady Van Tassel.)**

Ichabod: Oh, great. Where'd Katrina go?

Lady Van Tassel: To sleep.

Ichabod: Erm...so why isn't the servant girl here?

Lady Van Tassel: She got freaked out. And ran.

Ichabod: Oh. Right.

**(silence)**

Lady Van Tassel: Guess it's just the two of us now...

**(Young Nesborth comes in, carrying a water jug. Lady Van Tassel looks pissed.)**

Lady Van Tassel: Hey, do you mind? I'm trying to chat someone up here.

Ichabod: Erm...Nesborth, I need to go to the Notary. Coming?

Nesborth: Sure. Why not.

**(Ichabod gets up and runs to the door, conveniently fully dressed.)**

Lady Van Tassel: I'll be waiting for you...

Ichabod: Ugh. Don't bother.

**(Notary Hardenbrooke's office. Ichabod and Nesborth enter, however it is empty. They look around. Ichabod shrugs and begins to look through papers on the desk. Nesborth notices a bag as Ichabod leans over to open a cabinet.)**

Nesborth: Hey, my father's bag. Why is it here?

Ichabod: Your father's bag? It's made for a lady, you know.

**(Nesborth glares. Ichabod opens the cabinet to reveal the Notary, trying to hide.)**

Ichabod: AAAAAHHHHHH! (**then realises that it's just the Notary.)** Notary Hardenbrooke?

Notary: Go away! Leave me alone!

Nesborth: That's a bit antisocial. What are you doing with my dad's bag?

Notary: Your dad's? You know it's made for a lady, right?

Ichabod: Ha, ha. Told you so. **(On seeing that Nesborth looks like he's about to cry.)** Oh, crap. Have you got any duct tape?

**(Nesborth doesn't cry.)**

Ichabod: Anyway, I want to see Peter Van Garrett's last will and testament.

Notary: The will left everything to his son.

Ichabod: Thank you. Can I see it?

Notary: I think I've lost it...

Nesborth: Look, here it is! In my dad's bag.

Ichabod: Don't you mean handbag?

**(He and the Notary snigger. Nesborth ignores them, pulling out a Will and a conveniently situated marriage certificate. Ichabod examines them both.)**

Ichabod: Hmmm. It seems that Peter Van Garrett secretly married the widow.

Nesborth: Why secretly?

Notary: Who knows? That man was pretty crazy.

Ichabod: And the will leaves everything to the widow and her unborn child!

Notary: Oh crap. I'm dead.

Nesborth: You look pretty much alive to me...

* * *

Wow, that took me ages to write. Please review if you've just read it! 


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